reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.