Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice