REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
i hate you platonically
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.