Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Good morning y’all ☀️

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”