Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!