@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

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@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@ProZD

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

@Sickayduh

Dealer: You followed?

Geologist: No man. Its cool.

*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out

Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss

@shutupmikeginn

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@thepunningman

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

@tchrquotes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.