@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

You Might Also Like

@rolldiggity

[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”

@MomOnFire

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad

@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@slyoung5

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

@scot7a

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.