REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.


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[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”


I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.


His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk


I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad


According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”


A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.


ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.