Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Dealer: You followed?
Geologist: No man. Its cool.
*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out
Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.