three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Gemma Correll
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.