On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me after drinking all the wine:
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
#winning
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist