@badbanana

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@copymama

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

@junejuly12

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

@InternetHippo

A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field

@Duke1173

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

@BigJDubz

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

@Easy_Tiger__

Girls are like puppies.

If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.

SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

@Mostly_Cheese

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside