Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

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WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.


My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.


A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field


I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you


Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture


Girls are like puppies.

If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.



When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.


doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon


[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside