Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.