Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@ candidates for local office