Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

What’s a Messi?

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Grow up never but we old may grow we

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.