Realize this:
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m about to risk it all
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.