Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.