Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Cashiers are always checking me out

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Kids: Stay in school.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.