Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

It’s on my to-do list.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel