Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.