realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
favorite tropes as memes
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Natural selection at its finest
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
