realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!