Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like