realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.