realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Who knew!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter