realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?