Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Always a metermaid never a meter
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight