Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I put the mess in domestic.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The two types of wives
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.