Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
