New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day