*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns