*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
