*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Plant care tips
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
i prefer mine room temperature.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?