[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.