[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”