Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.