Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

How it started: How it’s going:

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

ㅤ

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.