Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???