Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me buying fruit and veg
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
so this horse walks into a bar
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed