Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You Might Also Like
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder