Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
the simulation is moving too fast
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.