Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.