Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
With a text.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
