Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.