Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.