Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…