Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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Actually cracking up @ this
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I fixed it. For me
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?