Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
get you a girl who
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.