Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: