Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A friend sent me this.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…