really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
