Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
You Might Also Like
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.