Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

Facebook memories be like

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

The internet is magic sometimes.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

you should fight them

– me as a therapist

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times