Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.