Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.