@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

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@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@DaddyJew

Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling

Me: what’s that?

Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*

@jngraphs

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

@KKAlThani

My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@

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@Reverend_Scott

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

@UncleDuke1969

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”