Jokes on her! I LIKE sleeping on the couch.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling
Me: what’s that?
Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”