Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids