Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Breaking news:
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out