Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

i’m so sick of this guy

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.