Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.