Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY