Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
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has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
wtf is a larm clock?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly