Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

you stereotypes are all alike

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.