Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Pringles
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.