Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
seriously you guys
![]()
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.