Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

This is enough internet for the day.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”