Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

You sure about that?

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.