Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Dance like you’re not the father
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.