Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Meeeee too!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called