Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.