Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys