Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When your parents check you’re ok.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???