Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

#DesignFail

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️