Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Can you guys make me famous? Iβm tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Hairdresser: whatβll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Iβm going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Each time I type βlove you,β my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to sayβ¦Roy if youβre out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didnβt realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Why are all podcasts βtwo best friendsβ I want a podcast thatβs Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even sheβd look guilty of something.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA