Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
These aliens are taking forever.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.