Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Chicago sounds lovely.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
You’ll be OK
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.